The Preternatural Chronicles
My name is John Cook, and my life began the day my heart stopped beating.
You meet the most interesting men in Medieval prisons. This one time, I met a guy who offered me immortality for the low, low price of changing my diet. I didn’t read the fine print. Because he wasn’t talking about a gluten free diet. More like hemoglobin full.
And now I’m a friggin’ vampire with five centuries of pop culture references.
Granted, at the time, I was listening to the dying screams of my mother and father being burned and eviscerated alive just outside the rusty bars of the prison cell, and my new best friend was offering me my only real chance at saving my own life and avenging my parents’ murderers—some day.
Except my first chance at vengeance took about five hundred years, and I had to wade through oceans of sin and violence, blackening my soul—and my already dark sense of humor—beyond redemption until I met Father Thomes—a Roman Catholic Priest—in present-day Houston. Papa Thomes taught me how to use my dark curse to fight for the good guys. Like Alfred and Robin did for Batman—except we straight up murder Jokers and Two-Faces. Biteman and Pope’n.
We stand up for the downtrodden, the forgotten, and the neglected…
By exsanguinating the wicked in horrific, truly imaginative ways, and having a grand ol’ time doing it. You know what they say about doing what you love…
But our party is soon cut short when we learn the End of Days is just around the corner, and that the fine print of my contract might have hidden a few other tidbits. Like the fact that I was central to kicking off the Apocalypse, and that the Archdemons will stop at nothing to make sure The Dude Abides by the terms of his contract.
I guess I need a lawyer.
Get ready to laugh at extreme violence. I know I will. If you’re not laughing, you’re learning.
The postal service frowns upon shipping severed heads. But a courier will deliver anything for a tip…
My name is John Cook, and my life began the day my heart stopped beating. After five hundred years, I’ve finally avenged my parents and killed the right bastard who done me wrong. Commander Godwin is dead!
Except revenge has consequences—in my case, both Heavenly and Hellish debt collectors. And these guys are extremely dedicated to their jobs, vying for employee of the month status by being the first to acquire my head. Speaking of heads, one was just delivered to me by a secret admirer. Great. Super. At least things can’t get any worse—
Wait. My best friend, Depweg the werewolf, was just kidnapped. It seems I have another secret admirer. Or is it the same person, trying super-duper hard to win my heart?
Or…maybe take my heart.
Looks like I’ve got a sleepover to plan. For one of us, it will probably be a permanent dirt nap…
King Oberon is betrayed by the Queens of Faerie and imprisoned in Mab’s dungeon.
Give a man no way out, and eventually, no price is too high for revenge. That stands doubly true for a king. Nobody puts Obee in a corner…cell. So, the raging king forms a malevolent alliance, letting everyone know that if he can’t wear the crown…No one will. The world be damned.
Meanwhile, the Shadow Court has sent their deadliest assassin to execute John by any means necessary—with the intent of smothering all of creation in absolute blackness. And there is some featureless, creepy black cat seeming to stalk our friendly neighborhood vampire. Aren’t they bad luck?
With the fate of the entire universe on the line, will John have the strength to withstand the darkest collective forces of the known and unknown universe? Can he scale that figurative mountain? Or will crippling self-doubt weaken his grip and send him plummeting down into a trench of endless agony and overwhelming despair?
Oh, and John gets a shiny new hammer and a snazzy suit. Except it might be more of a curse than a blessing. Because he’s pretty sure it’s trying to take control of his body and mind…
And a vampire out of control can turn city streets into rivers of blood.
A powerful ally has gone insane and threatens to expose supernaturals to the entire world, damning the innocent and the guilty in equal measure.
For John Cook, the day all hell broke loose started like any other—sipping on a fresh, steaming mug of joe. Well, the blood might have actually come from a guy named Joe, technically speaking.
But figuratively speaking, John got caught with his pants down.
Because somewhere in a distant room illuminated by hellfire, a fierce enemy learned a terrible truth. Armed with the Spear of Destiny and power bestowed directly from Lucifer himself, a man is finally set to achieve his long-awaited revenge.
And the most powerful demon lord in existence has been summoned from the pits of Hell and given a target. Asmodeus will not stop until his master’s bidding is fulfilled, and a soul is claimed.
And a military force, armed with deadly silver rounds, has set a trap.
The clock is ticking, and it’s not the timer for John’s microwave burrito…
Tick-tock. Tick-tock, John Cook. The foundations of civilization are crumbling, and the only way to hold it up is to sacrifice a few pawns…
Even if those pawns are some of his closest friends.
Enter the Mouth of Madness and join John as he faces a truly impossible quest. Hopefully, he puts his pants on, first, but no promises.
Baptisms can be fun. Unless an old pal changes the water to pure sin right before John goes chunky-dunking.
Ok. That was mean. You’re not chunky, John. You’re…dad-bod chic. Stop crying, you big baby. It was a compliment!
In the last place John ever thought he would find himself, he discovers the scrolls of the prophecy that has haunted him for centuries.
Armed only with the celestial key provided by the Archangel Gabriel, John must travel to Hell—where no creature of Heaven can follow—to unlock a box that no denizen of Hell can open. Talk about a paradox…
Only an abomination can travel below, and all of creation urgently needs to learn the truth of their fate, as it had been foretold long ago.
To make matters worse, our antihero must find a way to free his friend’s soul from an eternity of unbearable anguish…from a place no one has ever escaped. At least Samael hadn’t been setting up a trap when John rescued his brother from the mouth of madness…right?
Guys? Am I right?
These demons, man. Can’t trust them at all. They are the absolute worst.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company, and Sheol for…well, the screaming silence of eternal nothingness?
In the frigid lands belonging to the Queen of the Unseelie, a beautiful stranger dressed all in ivory makes his approach. A debt is owed, and payment is due.
Below the burning lakes of everlasting woe and the single, vast city of Hell, lies Sheol—the Hell below Hell. A place of absolute nothingness, occupied only by fallen demons, slain angels, and lost souls. No sight. No sound. Nothing but the infinite expanse of muted, inky blackness to serve as maddening companions for all of eternity. And that’s exactly where John must go to try and save those he loves, and those who trusted him.
Armed with only a nine-inch nail pulled from Christ’s flesh, John must discover a way to descend into the endless abyss, find his friends, and lead them back out to safety before he becomes a permanent resident himself and has to pay property taxes.
Unfortunately, since the dawn of creation, no one has ever escaped Sheol. But John is a vampirican, not a vampirican’t. As long as Samael isn’t actively trying to sabotage his plans with some nefarious scheme…
What do you get when you cross a snarky vampire, feral werewolf, and an Aztec god?
Two years have passed since John the vampire did the impossible and returned from the edge of oblivion, and he didn’t even get a novelty t-shirt for his troubles. You know the ones: I went to Sheol and all I got was this stupid shirt. Now, our “hero”, Warden Broadway, and Ludvig the Hunter are finally ready to carry out their mission of eliminating all warlocks on Earth—which was tasked to them by Hecate herself.
Locke descends into the political nightmare that is the High Council and discovers there is more than meets the eye with the Elders. What could possibly be more important than preventing the apocalypse?!
Depweg takes a much needed vacay in Faerie where he learns to be at peace with the raging monster inside his mind. That is until his R&R is cut short by new orders that’ll send him into a warzone. Neat!
And most importantly, John continues his quest of replacing his prized collection of Battlefield Earth cups.
“Those Wonderful Toys” returns to the fast paced, oftentimes comical style of action that makes John the lovable anti-hero that he is. Cake and puppies for all*.
* The cake is a lie, and you can rescue your own Lilith-damn puppy.